Shaming and Naming

There is a beautiful section in the Pixar movie Elio. Elio suddenly gets the idea of using King Grigon’s son, Glordon, as a way out when he is captured by Grigon. His plan was to use Glordon as a “bargaining chip” to escape and save his alien friends. Glordon, who had always been shamed or ridiculed by his father, is overjoyed when Elio gives him a role—an opportunity to try something new.

See the video here.

It reminded me of our own college days. In Medicine, many faculty members used naming and shaming to break us in. On the very first day of my residency, I was ridiculed, shouted at (what would today be considered abuse), and thrown out of the rounds - in front of nurses, ward helpers, and the rest of the team. Such ridicule, sarcasm, and humiliation were simply part of normal life.

https://santhoshsramblings.blogspot.com/2020/11/the-5-and-half-years.html

Much later, when I became a faculty member, I was expected to do the same. I asked some colleagues - why should we continue this? Their answer was: This is what was done to us, so they should also go through it. Another said: some of you are outsiders (from another institution); we need to break you so you become like us.

Shamed people often shame others. And the expectation is that by naming and shaming, others will also become like us. Today, across the globe, stories of such “verbal abuse” are being reported by our generation and by our seniors - the baby boomers and the great generation. But for us, this was not considered abuse. It was simply life.

A recent conversation with a professor in a college went like this: “Residents do not come on time, nor do the work they are expected to. But if we ask or reprimand them, we are afraid—will they do something silly? Harm themselves? Or put it out on social media that we are abusive? And correction does not seem to change them too..."

The mental health epidemic of today, combined with the social-media-driven culture of naming and shaming, has created ripples of fear and confusion among seniors and faculty alike.

Our conversation then turned to shame, honour, and trauma. Did our generation not experience shame and honour in the same way as the current one? Or did we simply take it as part of life, without recognising the trauma? Was our response to pass it on—making it verbally difficult for the next generation? Or did we truly believe that only by naming and shaming could we shape them into being like us?

But the reality is this: naming and shaming does not build people; it breaks them. Some broken branches may grow again, but often they bleed, create havoc for others, or carry their trauma into later life.

The deeper reality is that no one should become like us. They should become who God created them to be. To reach their full potential, they need encouragement, support, and space to flourish. But is naming and shaming really the only way to get there?

So how, then, do we discipline and build people? Is it all grace and love, with no discipline - only carrots and no stick? How do we speak the truth in love and still help people flourish within the boundaries of expectation?

I leave more questions here than answers.

The movie Elio ends with a beautiful scene. Grigon tears off his armour and reveals himself. Elio encourages Glordon to tell his father that he does not want to be like him. Before Glordon can even speak, his father says, “I know what you are going to say.” He had always known that his son did not want to be like him. And then he adds, “I have never said these words, but here it is - I am sorry.”

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That says it all. Openness and vulnerability is the answer. Some who named and shamed might have meant well. 

Like Henry Nouwen says “ When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.” 

And I wonder - how many sorries should I be saying?