Me - the control freak
We have some friends visiting us, all of us peers in age and profession. During one conversation, I found myself oddly irritated because I could not remember the details of a recent incident. I was mostly irritated with myself. I knew my memory failed me now and then - but surely not for recent events like this! That category, I thought, was reserved for phone passwords, misplaced spectacles, and the eternal mystery of why I opened the refrigerator.
To my great encouragement, none of the others could remember the details either, though two of them had been actively involved in the event. Since I had not been directly involved, I consoled myself that I was not doing too badly. After an hour of intense frontal-lobe activity, (all) one of us - the surgeon in the group - suddenly produced the missing details. He had surgical memory, or his brain finally scrubbed in and joined the operation.
The reality is that, at our age, this is not very unusual. Still, I get frustrated. I want to be in control of my memory and, if possible, most other aspects of life too. The control freak that I am. But I am slowly learning that many things are quietly moving beyond my control, and this is not an easy lesson. The list of misplaced things in our home is increasing, much to my wife’s frustration: credit card, medicinal ointment, earphones, and probably a few other items I have already forgotten to add to the list.
Losing control is not a pleasant feeling. Externally, we may laugh about it. Internally, the reactions may be quite different. I can feel frustrated, guilty, and a little low at times. But on this occasion, I was also oddly comforted, because I was in the company of fellow forgetters. There is some relief in discovering that your boat is leaking, but at least it is not the only boat in the sea.
Then I realized that losing control is not only the privilege of aging. Being part of a few recent weddings, and hearing conversations afterward with families - I am not targeting any one wedding family :) - there were stories of confusion, missed timings, misplaced instructions, and people wondering who exactly was supposed to do what. Yet a week later, everyone was laughing about it.
It struck me that what we often remember and laugh about later, is not the perfectly controlled event, but the chaos that slipped in through the side door. Perfect control may make a good plan, but mild chaos tends to make a better story.
Of course, the desire for control did not start with our generation. It began in a garden, when Adam and Eve wanted to take charge of what had been placed in God’s hands - and, as we know, things did not exactly go according to plan.
This struggle will not reduce with age, nor is it limited to homes and weddings. As the world becomes more chaotic and uncertain, leaders too find themselves losing control - in families, institutions, churches, organizations, and nations. They may plan carefully, speak confidently, and keep three backup plans tucked away somewhere, but situations still slip through their fingers.
One only must look at the world stage: wars going haywire, unexpected opposition from younger generations, and leaders trying to respond while struggling with a kind of public FOMO - and even MOMO, the mystery of missing out. The setting may change from a living room to a wedding hall, a boardroom, or a nation, but the human struggle stays strangely similar.
So how can we be prepared? A few thoughts may help me, and some of you too.
First, remember that absolute control is an illusion. Life may become lighter when we stop carrying the burden of pretending everything is within our control. Choose joy when we lose control. (Read more here - https://in.thegospelcoalition.org/article/joy-in-a-joy-dissipating-world/)
Second, when things fly out of our hands, learn to laugh - not at others’ expense, but at our own idiosyncrasies and behavior traits that often add spice to the confusion.
Of course - We should still try our best to limit the damage and protect our spouses and families from the fallout, though this is not always very workable.
Third, join the right communities - including, if necessary, the community of forgetfulness- where we can remind one another that losing control, and occasionally losing memory, is part of the journey. We are not traveling alone.
Finally, use whatever memory is left of the event, laugh over the chaos that appeared around the event. If my memory fails, someone else in the community will remember it for me. And if no one remembers, the event was not as important as we thought - or it has been safely preserved in the mercy of forgetfulness.
From the beginning, human beings have struggled with the desire to control what finally belongs in God’s hands. Wisdom is learning to plan faithfully, laugh humbly when things go sideways, and trust God when the details - and sometimes the credit card - goes missing.
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