Discontentedly content

The British, along with many other things, left us with a 6 second conversation no starter. And that has become a physiological response (part of life) for most educated Indians. This is – “How are you?” and “I am fine” (or okay, doing well or other variants of fine). The Physiological Conversation Killer. 

 

Once we acknowledge that I am ok and you are ok, the conversation ends. Then we struggle for other topics, and so start on climate, politics, and other irrelevant topics. Knowing very well that many a time, I am not okay and the other person may not be ok too, but it is safer to live with the I am ok and you are ok state.

At one season of life, when I was engaging with young people (yes, younger than me), I tried a social experiment. I was not really doing ok (emotionally – do not try to diagnose what it is) and so decided to respond to “Uncle, How are you” – by a simple reverse question. “Do you want a British answer or the truth?” Most of them did not expect such a question and would take time to respond. Without fail, all said, “we want the truth.” But when I would say, I am not ok, the next response would be – what happened, what can we do for you, can we take you to the hospital, etc. I had to say (in various ways) - you cannot do anything – I am physically ok, emotionally not ok, but if you are ok with me being not ok, we can continue the conversation. Most times there was an awkward silence, and I had to break the same, assuring them, I am not too bad! 

 

The learning was – most of us are not used to others being not ok, especially if we openly talked about it. 

 

We have reached a point where we are not okay with not being ok! It is preferable to live as if everything is okay even if otherwise. Of course, shame and honour play a part too. What will others think of me – if I say I am not okay? So just avoid deep conversations...

 

On the other hand, one thing I am noticing these days is there is an increasing number of people who do not respond “I am ok” – but end up sharing their discontentment with the world. The Pathologically Discontent. 

 

The answer goes something like this: “What is there to say, very difficult days.” “Did you see what happened in the election?” “The water bill has gone up by 40%”; “So busy, no time for life”; “Waiting for a break.” And some such challenging context or other. But in reality, they are far better off than many others!

 

The problem is they look at life through the perspective of a card game. I have been dealt with bad deck of cards. And I cannot do much with this. And like Kungfu Panda is always on the lookout for “The secret ingredient” – I know I must do this role, but I need the secret ingredient! (If you have not watched Kungfu Panda, I request you to do asap. Much to learn ). Such people are always looking for that one break that will change life for them. And the problem is never with them but out there. Pathologically cynical too. And their discontentment is like Covid-19. Transmits fast. 

They are content in being discontent and discontent in being content. 

There is a minority that I have come across, whose responses have been a salve to my complaining soul. They say, we have challenges, but nothing to complain about. If asked more, they say, life has been a bit challenging but have learnt much through this season. You must probe hard to get the details out. And when you get the details out, you wonder how they can be so Perennially Content.

 

The more you talk to them, you realize they do not see life as a deck of cards dealt. Like Grand Master Oogway tells Shifu in Kung Fu Panda (again) – they see life and context not as accidents or chance. They live role with belief in statement of Oogway “There are no accidents in life.” 

They see life not as cards dealt to them but gifted to them by a creator for a purpose. They do not keep looking for “the secret ingredient” but they live making use of the contexts to the best of their ability, supported by an inner strength from the provider.

 

Like the good book says “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

They content in their contentment. Discontentedly content too - because they see their challenges of life as opportunities for growth. 

 

So, I am wondering this season of life, what should I try. Physiological Conversation Killer, Pathologically Discontent or Perennially Content? In other words - habitual avoidance, habitual complaint, or resilient contentment?  Or should I get back to our national cultural practice of silence but, Namaste with hands and a frowning face and move on. Silent avoidance. 

 

I prefer my friends to be Perennially Content; it is much more infectious, more than Covid-19. I should try that more...