Grumpy Gratitude and Doing Good.

Family often has a way of bursting our bubbles or balloons - metaphorically speaking - usually through its members. This happened to me last week. 

 

I was proudly displaying my bird feeder and the birds enjoying it, only to be told that feeding birds actually disempowers them. The person argued that the birds might forget how to fend for themselves in the tough world because food comes too easily. While I believed I was caring for creation by looking after the birds, I was being told that I was, in fact, harming them!

 

Can our good intentions sometimes lead to harm?

 

The New Year is typically a time when we resolve to do more good for others, spurred on by an inner drive to be more generous and kinder than before. Despite a culture that encourages us to be “expressively individualistic” - I’ll touch on that later - this pricking of my bubble made me consider whether my well-meaning actions might inadvertently be causing damage.

 

The fish I keep in my tank, surrounded by all the support systems - if they could talk, what would they say? Perhaps, “We quite enjoy it here. Good food is given to us, we don’t have to do much, and we’re safe from predators.” Or maybe they’d say, “We wish for freedom in the river or sea, to swim, learn to find our own food, and protect ourselves.” The same questions could apply to all pets kept by humans.

I recall my first month in Delhi. A heavily pregnant woman (full term) was standing at a red light, asking for money to get to the hospital. I offered to drive her there, but she insisted the hospital was in the opposite direction. Eventually, I gave her money and left. Three months later, she was still there. I said to her, “You’ve looked full-term for months now! What happened?” 

 

From then on, I became more careful.  When street children asked for money, I noticed adults nearby, seemingly orchestrating their efforts. Whenever someone requests help, I look beyond them to see who might be involved - the begging mafia. I’d rationalise why doing good might not actually help. I didn’t want to encourage a harmful system. Yet, deep down, I knew I wasn’t being true to myself and felt conflicted.

 

So, is it right to withhold doing good if it might unintentionally harm the recipient or the larger system?

 

But who determines what is truly harmful? If I believe something is beneficial or harmful - for me or for them - shouldn’t the recipient accept it gratefully? After all, they might not know what they need. As the educated one, surely, I know best, for me and them.

 

Then there’s the question: why do we want to do good?

 

Is it for my own sense of fulfilment and happiness? Am I creating beauty for my own pleasure? Is it to satisfy my feelings, desires, and sense of achievement? Or are good deeds done for the sake of a better future for me? Here or in the next life?  And if so, is that wrong? Is it better to do good for selfish reasons than not at all? Feeding the birds brings me joy; watching the fish in the tank soothes me. So, can I justify what I do, though it might be harmful for them? 

 

Our culture tells us that feeling good is more important than doing good or being good, and that doing or being good is worthwhile only if it makes us feel good.

 

I remember going to a mentor with my confusion from Delhi, wondering if I should even do good. He looked at me and said something that’s stayed with me: “You and I have never experienced such poverty or background, so we cannot truly understand their actions. If I were in their situation, I might have done worse. So, it’s better to do good anyway even if you do not feel like it.”

 

He was telling me to do good out of a sense of gratitude. Not a grumpy gratitude but glad hearted generosity. 

I believe this is part of our inner nature, although I often try to reason it away. As the good book says, “He created each of us to join him in the work he does, the good work he has prepared for us to do - work we should be doing.”

 

So, what good should I be doing?

 

“Here’s a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behaviour: Ask yourself what you’d like others to do for you, then take the initiative and do it for them.”

 

If you ask me, I’d be happy to be fed junk food all day, never worrying about my next meal, and to be protected in a safe space, free from fear. That’s precisely what I’m doing for the birds and the fish!

 

So, whatever happens, I’ll carry on doing good for the birds and the fish! And of course, for some others too…