Friends

We just returned from visiting family friends. The husband reminded me that we first met in a Jharkhand village (road side) through a mutual friend three decades ago, and that we and our families quickly became close. “We clicked,” as he put it. 

As a neuroscience student, I find it fascinating: despite different backgrounds, perspectives, and states - not country cousins at all - yet perhaps with similar faith and a few shared interests, why did we connect so well?

Who, after all, are friends? Formal definitions say: “Friends are people who spend time together often, have positive interactions, and treat each other kindly. They differ from acquaintances because their connection is regular and meaningful.”

Yet we have hardly spent time together over the years. Our life journeys took us to different places, but we remain almost like “soul‑mate families” even after 30 years. (like a few others too). They were the first to visit us when we moved to Kottayam from 250 km away.

Neuroscience tells us that people often choose friends who are similar to themselves - “birds of a feather flock together.” Studies show that friends tend to resemble one another in age, gender, height, race, personality, attitudes, interests, and even genes. More recently, scientists have found that friends can show similar patterns of brain activity when interacting, a phenomenon called neural synchrony. 

Did we click because there was neural synchrony? We are poles apart in many ways, so why did we click?

It certainly wasn’t “love at first sight” - that is something else entirely. That phenomenon is a rapid, reward‑driven neural event occurring within milliseconds, involving surges of dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine. It produces intense euphoria and attraction even before conscious thought. The prefrontal cortex and other reward centres evaluate and reinforce this response.

Nor was it the usual evolutionary social liking or reward systems. Neuroscience shows that friendship activates the brain’s reward circuits. Rewards are things that make us feel good - like tasty food or being with people we care about. Thinking about friends activates regions linked to happiness, including the ventral striatum, amygdala, hippocampus, and ventromedial prefrontal cortex. 

But at that first meeting, I wasn’t even sure who he was. Forget reward. Perhaps there was neural synchrony supported by the context - a far‑flung place where “normal people” don’t usually end up.

In adolescence, school and college friendships, and even in marriage, reward systems do play a role. With neuroplasticity and intentional engagement, the neuronal pathways we form with people strengthen over time. These pathways then seek more interaction. This is what neurophysiologists and psychologists describe today. 

But the known knowns of today may become the unknown unknowns of tomorrow. As Donald Rumsfeld famously said: “There are known knowns, things we know that we know; and there are known unknowns, things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, things we do not know we don't know,”

And evolutionary scientists would want us to believe that we are no different from other mammals. 

But I believe, soul and soul mates are  beyond the current understanding of neuroscience. And so, souls connecting must be God connecting people together. But then we need to work on it. (The supernatural and natural; the given and the working it out). 

I end with two questions to myself.

One: There are neuronal pathways I have not activated for decades. We know that long‑term potentiation (LTP) strengthens pathways, while long‑term depression (LTD) weakens them. Can inactive pathways be reactivated? It needs effort and there is a cost involved. 

Two: Can online and social‑media friendships create similar pathways? I prefer those these days - easier on the wallet, body, and effort.

C. S. Lewis once said that "friendship has no survival value, but it gives value to survival." So whatever it may be – it is worth reconnecting.  (https://www.cslewis.com/mere-friendship-lewis-on-a-great-joy/)

So we are trying it out - visiting a few old friends in Nagpur and Chhattisgarh to see if we can reactivate some long‑silent pathways. I’ll let you know when we return.